Sadness and Reflections

It is with great sadness that I had to say goodbye to so many amazing and influential people that I met and rekindled relationships with this past weekend. With that sadness also comes great joy that I was able to get to know people and allow them to affect my life in a positive way. It seems all too common that people become individuals and work to not let other people into their lives. I often find myself trying to create a façade of strength and independence by pretending to not need anyone else. In my mind, this shows new acquaintances that I am not only mysterious but secure in who I am. Although these things are true, they often push people away and leave them confused and unwilling to give me a second thought. This creates an environment where people are not able to connect with me even if they wanted to.

Even though I am never in need of new friends, it is important to make an effort to smile and get to know complete strangers. As a semi-introvert, it takes an enormous amount of energy to make general meaningless conversation with strangers while remaining welcoming and accepting. Since I know how hard will be, I often just hide behind my façade in order to remain comfortable, convincing myself that if other people want to meet me, they will initiate conversation. I cannot think of a single situation in which it turned out that way. I float through life without any varying emotions, hoping to maintain my current level of content-ness.

As it becomes easier to block out negative emotions in an attempt to remain happy, it becomes more difficult to realize how it is also restricting my ability to experience true happiness. Letting myself feel sadness is very difficult for me, but as I found myself on the verge of tears last night, feeling completely hopeless and alone, I realized that I was surrounded by people who love me and would be willing to help me through this. Now that I have realized how supportive my family is, it is up to me to lean on them by laying it all out there. No one can help me through problems if I am unwilling to accept that I need help and seek it out.

The past fifteen to twenty months have been filled with life changes, new challenges, and problems that I have kept confidential. I pride myself in being able to independently handle any problems that find me, but as I grow older, different types of problems start to emerge; problems that are not able to be solved and may lead to more and more problems of a similar variety. Since I feel that I can solve anything, I convince myself that I do not need other people’s help. What I have failed to realize is that other people cannot solve my problems, they can just help me discover the severity of the problems. It helps me to hear problems out loud and maybe give different perspective. It also helps to hear that I am not alone in my struggles. Many people have a vast amount of shared experiences that definitely have their differences, but are identical at the core.

Since this blog is primarily for me, I have allowed myself to bleed my thoughts onto the page without much concern for continuity or purpose; but if you took the time to read, I hope that you could also get something out of this.

How Do We Grow?

After watching the Oscar nominated movie "Boyhood", I began to ponder how we grow as individuals. What are we striving to be? Throughout high school and most of college, I was determined to be unique and true to myself. A somewhat hedonistic philosophy on life that revolves around self gratification and self improvement.

Mason Jr. reminded me a lot of myself growing up as well as what I wanted to be. He was constantly thinking and coming up with creative and unique thoughts and then was able to communicate them. The ability to question everything and develop your own opinions is an ability I have always wanted to have. I believe developing this skill is the path to ultimate wisdom.

Since college, I have strayed away from being an individual and turned my efforts towards being more like other people. Shutting down my inner desires and focusing on where the world thinks I should be. This is a step in the wrong direction and 2007 Colin would not be happy about it.

A few essential things have changed since the education years such as joining the military as well as getting married. Both of these life events create pressure to be like your predecessors. In the Army, there are manuals on how to act in every situation, how to dress, how to talk to people, and even what values you should adopt. Even though these are great values, the fact that they are mass produced causes them to lose meaning. Values cannot be forced on any person; they must be discovered on their own.

Coming from a lifestyle where I was my own motivator and role model, constantly striving to not only be a better more unique version of myself, but to also take risks and follow my inner desires, the change was drastic yet subtle. I was definitely ready for change but I didn't realize that it was so black and white. My current life goals have shifted from working hard to figure out who I am and what I love, to working hard to become an adult and advance in my career. The only way to become more adult and mature is to model after people you have met in the past that you believe were a good example of such characteristics.

The same goes for marriage. Reading books, watching movies, trying to model my marriage after the marriages that came before me. Convincing myself that I will be happy and have a successful marriage if I can be more like the couples on TV; be more like the person my marriage counselor encourages me to be. There is no doubt that if I can transform myself into this cookie cutter person and my wife can do the same, we will both fully understand each other and live happily ever after together in predestined bliss. Happiness is also relative and different from person to person.

The happiness that is achieved through the deformation of a personality is a very incarcerated joy. Outer happiness with inner confusion.

Becoming consistent and predictable is valued too high.

Trying to be like others has silenced my inner personality and turned me into a societal clone. Is there a point in everyone's life where we all become the same person? The cultural norm that defines a "typical American." Why do I all of a sudden want to be this cliche?

Putting Mantra

After 2 hours of putting practice out back, I have finally come up with a Mantra that works for me. When I go out to the course and play, before I putt I find myself trying to go over all of the basics in my head before each putt. This is way too much information to be doing on the spot, but I have not played enough and come up with the right technique so that it is all muscle memory like it needs to be. I can't go over everything in my head because it will cause unneccesary stress and confusion, so I needed to come up with a very short Mantra that will help me focus on one or two small things every time I putt. The Mantra that I can up with is: "Open your hand and extend"

"Open your hand and extend"

Some other things that I need to remember when I am putting are to keep my arm straight and on the line of play at all times.

Straddle putts are good when you are within 15 feet of the basket. Any farther than that and you will need to use some bodily momentum and balance with the rear leg.

Do not flick the wrist at the end of the release. Just open your hand and extend your arm towards the basket.

The farther you get, the more hyzer you will need to put on the disk. Still aim for the basket though. If you aim to the right of the basket, you will miss.

Fasting

Today I am not allowed to eat anything because I am having a procedure done tomorrow morning. This procedure requires my digestive tract to be completely cleared out (any guesses?). The last thing I ate was taco salad at 6pm last night and I had forgotten that I wasn't allowed to eat today. Had I remembered, I could have woken up and eaten a large meal but I forgot so I get to starve! Anyways, I got through Army PT this morning fine and haven't been hungry yet so we'll see how the day goes.

It is 3pm, 20 hours since I last ate and so far I do not feel hungry at all. My body does not feel weak and I have had no problems concentrating. I have even looked at articles about food and haven’t craved anything. I am not sure if this is because of the lack of fiber I have been eating the past few days, but so far I feel good! I also played 9 of the most successful and satisfying holes of disc golf over my lunch break. While I was playing, I felt very focused and observant of my strengths and weaknesses. I made many breakthroughs on my driving technique and got a few 100 yd drives within 20 feet of the hole! It is very interesting that just knowing that I will not be eating at all today has sort of lifted a weight off my shoulders. It is amazing how much influence food has over our daily lives. During work, I find myself constantly thinking about my lunch break and what I am going to eat and how if I can just make it, the day will be over. When I get home in the afternoon I am not hungry, but craving food so I grab a snack and start to think about what I should have for dinner. Then there is always the sleepies I get after eating. So much of my day is affected by food! I actually did not feel hungry at work. I think that most of my "hunger" is influenced by the amount I think about food. Thinking about it leads to wanting it. It really helped me to realize that I often want food without actually being hungry.

It is now 7 pm and I just finished drinking my laxative which is up there with whiskey as the most disgusting liquids I've ever drank. I made Mary take a sip and she couldn't even keep it in her mouth as she spat it all over the counter. I drank 24 ounces of it. I am still feeling fine, not super hungry, but I am feeling colder than usual. I am not sure if that has anything to do with empty stomach but it is still bearable.

Stay Present and Succeed

Most people have a craft or hobby that requires a great deal of skill to perform. We train and practice these skills in hopes to get better and better at our craft, but when it comes down to performance, our results are wildly inconsistent. More often than not, these inconsistencies are not a result of lack of preparation (because that is often where we look first). As humans, we tent to blame our preparation for our failures and prepare more for the next time, that is, if you are the type of person who doesn’t quit at the sign of failure. Failure can be very discouraging, but can also be very motivational if you have trained yourself to see it that way. For instance, if you fail, you might feel worthless and in an effort to never feel worthless again, you quit. OR if you fail, you might feel worthless for the time being, but you treat the failure like a puzzle that you have to solve.

Why did I fail? How can I do better next time? Was this failure a result of my preparations or my attitude?

As I said before, if might have a little bit to do with your preparation, but in my experience, failure is often a result of a poor attitude or a lack of focus. Something mental, not physical. The best thing you can do to enhance your skills would be to learn to OVERCOME MENTAL BARRIERS. Don’t let your emotions get in your way of success.

Confidence can be a hard thing to muster up on a whim, but practice can definitely help. Observe your thought process during a time when you are feeling confident and things are falling into place. Harness this thought process and develop a plan to steer your thoughts towards confidence when you are feeling insecure or unmotivated. Things are much easier to accomplish when you KNOW that you are going to accomplish them.

My current hobby is Disc Golf. I spend my hours watching tournaments and browsing forums on the best techniques to get the disc in the basket with the least amount of throws. When the weather is nice, I head to my backyard and practice putting or head to a field and practice distance shots. My form still needs work but it is pretty solid, but when I get out to the course to play my results are really inconsistent. Some days I have the best game of my life, and some days I can’t even finish due to frustration and failure. I have realized that these moods are completely dependent on my attitude when I start playing and how I handle my first mistake. If I decide that I NEED to do well on the course today, I will often fail because I am trying too hard and will get too frustrated at the sign of failure. When the first mistake arises, I become overly stressed as I try to find a solution to the problem in an attempt to save my perfect game. This stress usually causes me to make another mistake trying to overcome my previous mistake. The stress continues to build until eventually, after many double and triple bogeys, I walk back to my car in a terrible mood.

Oppositely, if I start playing with the goal to improve and to have fun, my game ends much differently. I have learned that it is important to take each individual shot without thinking of what will happen afterwards or what has happened to get you there. Don’t think about your score or your goals or your mistakes; simply focus on what you have to do to make a successful shot and visualize how that shot will look. This is a lot easier said than done. There are often times when missing a shot will result in the disc rolling downhill farther than you previously were or maybe even landing in a lake. If you cannot fully get these thoughts out of your head, you will most likely miss the shot. Making the shot requires complete confidence that you will make it.

The concept of “being present” is very important in every aspect of our lives, not just in disc golf. Having a hobby that continually breaks you down and humbles you is essential for growth. Just as this hobby breaks you down, so will life, and it is important to learn how to deal with such failures and turn them into successes. “Being present” is all about being where you are, both physically and mentally. If you are hanging out with your children, do not think about what you want to do when they go to bed. Be there for them and get the most out of every experience. If you are playing a round of disc golf or going for a run, do your best to eliminate thoughts of other things. This is especially hard while being in pain on a run, but no one else can control your mind but you. And if you can’t control it, it is now controlling you.

Now you may ask, why is it important to be present? If I am accomplishing my goal of running, why do I have to focus on the pain? These are great questions with answers that I am still figuring out for myself. The one thing I know is that by being fully present, you can begin to learn yourself. If your mind is constantly cluttered with random thoughts, how will you know which ones are important? The best way to clear the mind is simply to empty it and focus on one thing. Of course running alone accomplishes the goal of burning a few calories or helping you sleep at night, but there are no lasting effects unless you also work on your mentality. Running provides a unique experience in which you are constantly faced with struggle and pain. To continue running, you have to overcome these obstacles and keep moving. Learning to not only deal with the physical pain, but all of the negative thoughts telling you to stop.  If you can overcome these while running, you will have a much easier time overcoming them when real life obstacles arise.

Stay present. Learn to control your mind and you will find peace. 

Personal Disc Golf Revelations

Driving the disc uses a very unique motion that involves a running start, wind up, and throw. When you throw, your arm must come close to your chest as opposed to out in a crescent shape, and must snap in front of you as you pivot on your outside heel and your rear leg spins around you. You want the disc to go as far as possible and so logic tells you that you must throw it as hard as possible. I have always used muscle and speed to throw farther which creates drastic unreliability and terrible accuracy. Today, I tried simply saying "slower" while I drove and it worked! A small amount of distance was sacrificed (20 ft max) but my accuracy improved by a ton! It is still a little rough but I can now throw far in the general direction in which I am aiming.

I have been watching a lot of professional Disc Golfers doing putting demonstrations to find the form that works best for me. I chose to learn the one based on the snake strike where your weight starts on your front foot as you line up the putt. It then shifts to the back foot as you bring the disc in to your body and comes back front when you release straight out. The point is to remove the inconsistencies of a crescent put coming across your body. If your arm moves in a straight line, the disc will hit its target. I realized today that I need to just release the disc in the exact spot that I lined up. I have been lining up and then releasing either lower or higher than where it was.

The final thing I realized today was that if I want an up shot to curve, I need to use an over stable driver. My mid range discs curve but very unpredictably. They are good for long straight shots with an obstacle near the end. If there is an obstacle in the middle that I need to get around, I need to use a driver.

Should we slow the aging process?

Every time I hear someone mention how cool it would be if we could slow or stop the aging process, I think of how that would affect population growth. I never hear this issue discussed and wonder if I am the only one who thinks about it (I am sure that I'm not, but it feels like it). This makes me think of "The Imitation Men" movie I recently saw. Everyone was so focused on cracking Enigma, the Nazi code machine in World War II, that they did not think about what would happen if and when they finally deciphered the code. Luckily, the man who was tasked to lead the team of mathematicians, Alan Turing, realized what would happen if they used the information to avoid all incoming attacks and decided to keep it a secret even from his boss. He was forced to make heartless decisions regarding who lived and who died in the war. Like I said, the Allies got lucky that Alan Turing was driven by logic and not emotions but can we hope to get as lucky again with the aging process?

If we create a cure for aging, eventually somebody like Alan Turing will have to make the tough decision to implement a form of population control that will most likely create a great amount of controversy among normal people around the world. If people stop dying naturally, people will either be limited to one or two children or humans will have to agree to end lives at after a certain amount of time. Somebody is going to have to determine how long we will be allotted based on natural resources and consumption rates. The planet simply cannot allow our population to grow at the rate it has been growing for much longer. In the past 200 years or so, the population has grown from 1 Billion to 7 billion people. 

As morbid as it may sound, I have a hard time finding a solution that doesn't involve euthanasia as well as a child limit. A universal age limit of, say, one hundred years or so as well as only having two children. I believe there should be exceptions of course that can be applied for. For example, if one of your children died you should be able to have another one. Also, if you are reaching the end of your allotted time but are very close to completing very influential work, you should be able to apply for an extra amount of time.